WHERE IS MRS. O’LEARY’S
COW WHEN YOU NEED HER?

Had the inexhaustible 57-year-old Christie Brinkley performed “Roxie” on America’s Got Talent, I would have demanded that she make it to the next round. The leggy supermodel is in such great shape that it would inspire America to get its collective butt out of its seat and into a gym. But that’s not necessary. The bus-and-truck version of Chicago, which came limping into the Hollywood Pantages this week, should inspire patrons to bolt from their seat and into a gym, for that would be far easier than the grueling workout it took to get through this embarrassingly bad revival.

Sure, even as a weak vocalist and forgettable performer, Brinkley can sort of handle the role of Roxie Hart, one of two Prohibition-era murderesses at the heart of this 1975 Kander & Ebb & Fosse musical-comedy burlesque, but in the 2300+ seat Pantages Theatre, she doesn’t have enough stage presence to power her performance past the first row. Fine. Producers need her star power to sell tickets. Hence, you would think that every other soul on that stage would have the star quality necessary to fuel the musical. Not even close. Out of 22 performers, 2 and  ½ actors knocked it out of the park.

The clear winner of the night was Ron Orbach as Roxie Hart’s hapless husband, Amos. He began performing the role in the first National Tour of this 1996 revival (Chicago is the longest running revival on Broadway and currently its fourth longest-running show), but Orbach has always been an actor who is incapable of phoning in a performance, and his “Mr. Cellophane” received the biggest applause of the night.

The suave, wry, and debonair John O’Hurley can do none other than command the stage, and it was refreshing to see O’Hurley play John O’Hurley, I mean, shyster lawyer Billy Flynn. “We Both Reached for the Gun” was a coups de théâtre.

The “ ½” performer I refer to is R. Lowe as reporter Mary Sunshine; the soprano was worthy of appearing in a lead at the Met, but mumbled lines as if she were Eliza Doolittle with a mouthful of marbles (admittedly, the atrocious acoustics at the Pantages didn’t help, but I could hear the other actors’ lines).

And what the hell was Carol Woods doing up there as Keeper of the Clink, Matron “Mama” Morton? I don’t mean why was this seasoned, big/black/sassy-type there, I mean, what was she doing? She seemed winded, her makeup looked like it was designed by a mortician, and her characterization was kind of like a cross between Moms Mabley, Mabel King and Buckwheat from The Little Rascals. But not funny.

With horrifying sound, acting as an afterthought and dull dancing, this is the kind of stale touring company that belongs in Fumbuck, Alaska, not Hollywood. Patrons here may be curious to see Chicago because of Brinkley, but once they’re in their seats, they don’t look in their programs to see that most of the cast has done the show in a different incarnation. They want freshness and magic. And it’s pretty tough for actors – from chorus boy to lead – to pull a rabbit out of their hat when they’ve been doing the same dance tricks for years. Watching the audience become Pod People from Invasion of the Body Snatchers was infinitely more entertaining than the lame eleven o’clock dance number, “Hot Honey Rag.” If you look in a theatre reference book under the term, “Going Through The Motions,” you would see a picture of this company. Los Angeles deserves better.

photos by Michael James Trimble

Chicago
Pantages Theatre in Hollywood
ends on May 27, 2012
for tickets, call 800-982-2787 or visit The Pantages

continues on tour through August 16, 2012
new tours continue into 2015
for dates and tickets, visit Chicago The Musical