WHAT/EVER

Saved from total disregard by a libretto that occasionally manages to engage with humor and knowingness, this brave attempt to examine the subject of fate versus choice utterly fails to cohere into a moving experience. Composer/lyricist Brian Yorkey and composer Tom Kitt, the creators of Next to Normal, use parallel time-lines to explore the different paths that a modern New York woman’s life would take, depending on whether she chooses love or career’”a conceit similar to the film Sliding Doors, a masterpiece compared to this head-scratcher, now in the nascency of its national tour.

Some may enjoy trying to piece together the labyrinthine narrative of If/Then, but I found this musical took far too much effort to keep up with. In addition, the lead character Elizabeth and her many New York-centric friends, co-workers, and lovers are either unlikeable, flavorless, annoying, or dispensable to the plot. Don’t get me wrong: There is some high-quality work in the libretto, but cheap shots, topical references, and some one-dimensional characters show immaturity on the part of Mr. Yorkey.

It’s difficult to understand if Elizabeth exists in two different worlds or if only one is real and the other is in her head or if it’s a magical Musical Comedy Brigadoon world where she really does flip-flop between two realities. The ending seemed to answer those questions, but then I heard a couple disagreeing about what actually happened. The first act has a number called “What the Fuck?”, but there should have been an eleven o’clock number called “Who Gives a Fuck?”

Director Michael Greif attempts to distinguish the concurrent stories of Elizabeth (one as Liz, the other as Beth) with little cues such as changing eyeglasses and lighting, yet her costume remained the same. Nothing helps either way, because both Liz and Beth are prototypes of those neurotic, whiny, overanalyzing women that male comedians refer to. (At one point during the show, I thought, “Can we not talk about talking about it?”) Remarkably, this woman, who has fled Arizona (the butt of many jokes) and a loveless marriage to start over in NYC, manages five minutes later to have friends, lovers, and great jobs thrown at her. She attracts gorgeous men, smart men, and employed men (most of whom are charmingly neurotic), yet she comes across as just an entitled narcissist. This is why it never makes sense that the man who aggressively pursues her is not only kind, understanding, compassionate, and patient, but he’s ridiculously hot and a doctor and active military (and bland as played by James Snyder).

The libretto’s addlepated construction will leave you in the dark, but the lopsided political statements are clear and concise: Marriage. Affairs. Career. Pregnancy. Abortion. Adoption. Housing activism. The futility of war. Unwed motherhood. A gay couple. Another gay couple. An interracial couple. Another interracial couple. Yet another interracial couple. Toss in some insults about the flag-stitching Betsy Ross (I know, what a bitch, right?), and I’m surprised there wasn’t a song called “Labia and Liberalism.”

Equally stultifying is the paucity of on-stage chemistry, especially given that most of the Broadway cast remains intact. Weirdest casting of all: Anthony Rapp. Over 20 years since his Rent debut, and he’s still playing the same underdog activist. It’s OK that his performing style is identical down to the fingertips, but he’s hardly a romantic lead; here, he’s a bisexual who attracts best friend Liz (or is it Beth? I don’t remember) and a young hot gay tolerant doctor. (That’s two hot doctors in one musical.) Again: “What the Fuck?”

Forget the fact that it opened on Broadway with a perplexing plot, forgettable tunes, and a protagonist for whom we have no sympathy, If/Then defied decidedly mixed reviews, and quite a few pans, to become a Broadway success’”no doubt propelled by the tuner’s star, Idina Menzel, she of Rent, Wicked, and Frozen (“Let It Go”) fame. But that’s the Biz. Don’t forget that Ethel Merman had the power to keep some clunkers on the boards for hundreds of performances. The difference in Merm’s time was that when one of these critical (never financial) flops closed, they stayed closed. The afterlife for these shows, such as Happy Hunting (1957), can be found on original cast albums and one-night-only staged concert-readings. And even when the songs in Merm’s shows didn’t knock ‘em out of the park’”as with Something For the Boys  (1943)’”they still had something that today’s repetitious, profane, Glee-like, overrated, insipid, Broadway Pop sorely needs: Cole Porter. If any show needed a catchy melody or soaring ballad to break up the loopy construction, it’s If/Then.

But this is America, 2015, when fame rules, thereby  perpetuating  mediocrity almost every time. Thus,  trends, fads, shows (and even some people) are kept alive far longer than they should be. Once  Menzel bows out after  the first few cities of If/Then’s national tour (Jan. 24, 2016, to be precise) this turkey will keep gobbling across the land without the belter, who by the way has an odd vocal technique and strange vowel sounds: At times on opening night in Los Angeles, she had a weird and forced nasally country twang that made her sound like a shrieking, unintelligible, pitchy drag queen imitating a white Whitney Houston. AND SHE’S MIKED!! Menzel’s co-star LaChanze belts, too, but with a much better voice; she would have been a far superior casting choice for Elizabeth. Frankly, as much as Menzel does fine work as an actress here, her meteoric rise in regards to singing completely mystifies me.

In the You Can’t Fool An Audience Department: At first sight of Menzel, the crowd roared like a 1-Ton TNT Bomb, but collectively sounded like a lone firecracker at curtain call.

photos of Broadway production by Joan Marcus

If/Then
seen at the Hollywood Pantages Theatre
national tour continues through August, 2016
for cities and dates, visit If/Then